Child: Being

A Facebook friend posted an interview with Dr. Bruce Lipton, a leader of epigenetics research (i). During the interview, he mentioned that our personalities are established by age seven because prior to that age, children operate in an unconscious state and automatically download what they observe of their parents and other people behaviors. In effect, children store instructions that, they are waiting to run later in life. These programs operate at the subconscious level. Furthermore, Dr. Lipton said that 95% of our actions as an adult comes from the subconscious. And then we rationalize them until they seem logical.

Seventeen years ago, I was struggling with intrusive thoughts and impulse behavior due to my bipolar, I was given one drug after another by my therapist until I found one that worked which did not exacerbate my illness.

Geodon was the most effective. Initially, the impulses disappeared, then slowly the intrusive thoughts dissipated. For the first time in years, I felt peaceful and clear-headed. In fact, I feel more love toward my wife and expressed to her, more freely.  Plus, I  had more energy since I was no longer suppressing my thoughts.

However, as the weeks pass, my sexual drive began to slowly disappear. It was a quite interesting experience not having any sensual thoughts. I could watch a movie scene where a couple is making out and found it unstimulating or bedroom scene where a couple is stimulating sex seemed like strange a foreign custom between two people. I didn’t find the absence of sexual thoughts disturbing. Thinking about it now, I realized how peaceful life can be and it brought to mind an article by a Stanley Siegel, a psychotherapist, that sexual fantasies are established by adolescence(ii).

What I can remember as a grade-school child in the 1960’s the world was quite safe and un-sexualized. That period didn’t last too long for me during kindergarten. I was molested in school by a sixth grader girl teacher aide. I wondered why she picked me. Was it because I was often sick with colds and asthma attacks or the way I isolated myself from other kids due to my dad alcoholism? Either way, I was easy prey.  I soon began having daytime sexual fantasies about teacher aid and thinking of ways to please her at our next encounter in the boy’s bathroom. But a few weeks later, she was gone.

During a field trip to a bakery factory, my classmates marveled at industrial mixer turning and knitting the man-size amount of dough. Looking at the dough,  I wanted to climb into the mixed, naked. And feel the sticky, soft, cream-colored dought on my skin and between my crotch. I was in first grade.

Comparing my thoughts before the drug and now, intrusive thoughts capture about nearly all of my thinking and focus on sex, mindlessly violent, and bloody images during sex. Decapitation, evisceration, and exsanguination.

Perhaps violent images were from repressed feelings of the molestation. I have only told two people about the molestation and I come to the conclusion the reason I never told my parents was because they were dysfunctional. The essence of a dysfunctional family the experience of not being seen, not being heard, and not being allowed to feel (Tony A, 2006). I instinctively knew sharing the molestation with my family would cause me further trauma. And the remnant of that alcoholic dysfunction since exists in my family to this day.

That period of respite didn’t last very long because my wife was sexually frustrated and angry as I continued to take Geodon. I tried different doses and would skip one day and take it the next day, but the side effects were also causing strange sensations. I begin having disassociation with time and memory. The past was fading from factual to feelings. Then one morning, I woke up and didn’t recognize the bedroom I was in. I first thought this was my high school girlfriend’s parent bedroom, but that faded away. Then I  reminded this is my college friend bedroom after a night of heavy drinking, but the room didn’t fit either. Seconds passed and I laid there totally blanked. Then a rush of thoughts poured into my head I  realized this is my bedroom, I shared with my second wife in a town far away. I stopped taking the drug that day.  (iii).

For the next six months my libido slowly returned, but to a lower level which only occupied, half my thoughts and the violent images disappeared. But looking back at those short two-week period of asexuality that could have been my childhood experience as six years old; peaceful and naïve outlook on life.

(i) https://www.facebook.com/BruceHLiptonPhD/videos/1792448227436362/?hc_ref=ARS8r2Diew3pKik15uGK83TkU3xuDMckiZAuT72cU2OJ5aksns7YL9hJHwyZ_qA5a4A&pnref=story

(ii) http://psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/stanley-siegel-lcsw-sexual-fantasies-say-past/
(iii) http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/10/31/geodon-side-effects-list-of-common-adverse-reactions/
Tony A, Et al (2006). “The Laundry List”. Tony A, Et al, Adult Children of Alcoholics (pp. 5, 17). Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization, Inc.

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